Ten things that annoy the fuck out of me on Twitter

via jeffcrot.com

God dammit, people. You suck at this social networking thing. Allow me to educate your asses on how to suck less by outlining ten things that annoy the fuck out of me on Twitter:

1. .@whoever — Twitter doesn’t show me your replies to people I don’t follow for a reason: because I don’t give a damn. Stop trying to circumvent it. It doesn’t matter if you use a dot, a tilde, or some fancy unicode character before the @ sign; in all cases, you’re not clever, and you deserve to be kicked squarely in the taint.

2. People modifying my message when they retweet it — Okay. Thank you for retweeting me. I appreciate that. But fucking hell, must you modify my tweet in order to squeeze in your wannabe-witty commentary? I go to great lengths to not look like a tween on Twitter, and you changing every instance of “your” to “ur” is not helping.

3. Follow Friday — I know you’re trying to do me a favor here, and I appreciate the thought, but fuck if every Friday my iPhone battery isn’t run down by noon thanks to all the notifications I get about #FollowFriday.Great, yet another list of people I don’t know.

4. People who don’t follow me DMing me — Okay, look. If you’re going to DM me, then please at least do me the courtesy of following me, lest I try to respond only to be bitch-slapped by bitter cold rejection.

5. People threatening to unfollow me — This may come as a huge surprise to your self-centered ass, but guess what? I don’t do this for you. Don’t waste any of your precious 140 characters telling me you’ll unfollow me if I don’t do this or that, because I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck. Go ahead, unfollow. You won’t hurt my feelings. I promise.

6. When people link to their link to something — Okay, I’m going to go ahead and name names here. Andy Fucking Clarke, the next time I click a link in one of your tweets only to be taken to a page on For A Beautiful Web that is nothing more than another link, so help me God, I will hunt you down and shove my boot so far up your ass it’ll tickle your taste buds.

7. Auto-follow bots — Just because I said the word “photo” does not mean I’m interested in buying a camera from your shitty eBay store. At least take two minutes to read my tweets and see if I’m really a potential customer or not before you jizz another “So and so is now following you on Twitter” message into my e-mail inbox.

8. Hashtags used for anything but humor — This isn’t really your fault; it’s Twitter’s. Twitter has enough smart people to know that the right place to store metadata, like tags, about a piece of content is not in the same field as the content itself. Fuck, I already only have 140 characters to say my funny shit. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to waste them on whatever hashtag you came up with for your stupid little event.

9. @kennymeyers — I couldn’t think of a number nine, but this totally works.

10. Bitching about how other people use Twitter — As Wired Magazine so perfectly put it, Twitter pretty much laid a stick and a ball in the field and let its users invent baseball. That’s one of the things that makes Twitter awesome. People use it however they like; there are no rules. Nothing can make you a bigger asshat than trying to tell someone else how they should or shouldn’t use Twitter. Well, except maybe making a top 10 list about how people should or shouldn’t use Twitter.